10 Things Every Single Man Needs
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Let me to start by telling you what someone once told me. She was a wise black woman I worked with back at my horrible old retail job (not to be confused with present day horrible retail job) and she always gave good advice. I can’t remember what she looked like, so now when I think about her, I picture Michele Obama, and it’s nice. You try it. Neat, huh? I’m going to tell you what she told me, and this I shall never forget:
You are a grown ass man. It’s time you act like it.
Get your crap together and show women, friends, parents and yourself that you can take decent care of the basics. According to Scientific research (asking my bros) you will spend more time this month on your car than your home. Sure, some cars get women, but the only way they stay and take off their clothes is if they aren’t worried there’s a poisonous spore infestation.
This article can also be quite helpful for newly divorced dads, so for once pay attention to someone other than your vaguely-Asian, way-too-young-for-you girlfriend’s texts, before you go and doing something really stupid like buy a white leather couch.
I’m too late, aren’t I?
Here’s some stuff I think you need:
1. Nespresso Espresso Machine
You had better be prepared for her addiction to lattes. Plus caffeine is about half your diet anyway. These machines make it easy, even fun to do. Cartridge in, delicious out. Also, It’ll help prevent you from going to Starbucks and creeping on that Barista. She’s 19, dude!
2. A real goddamn couch
New federal law dictates that white leather couches are only allowed to be purchased with money taken from filled up douchebag jars. In other news, Microfiber will seriously show…bodily fluids. Baby batter shows up a lot on microfiber.Trust me. IKEA is fine, but for Crispin Glovers sake get something that looks like a grown up with a job bought it, not that curbside rescue you have now, you disgusting savage.
3. George Foreman outdoor grill
Men spend a lot of time pretending to be obsessed with grilling. Most of you are going to be in apartments with (or without) a patio, and most of those places don’t allow gas or charcoal. This one is electric, can be indoors or out and does a really great job of cooking and not screwing up like you always do when you BBQ. You suck at it, and you won’t admit it, so why don’t you just fake it with this thing and stop trying to be the man your dad was cuz you’re never gonna make it.
4. Good Clean Sheets and 4 decent pillows
You smell, your sweat smells, and in the night you secrete stink from a special sleep gland to keep wild animals from eating you while you doze. If you want to be healthier, happier and more sexed, start by improving your sleep, and making sure that your bed is the most comfortable spot in the house. A safe place. Take her there. Bitches love pillows, yo!
5. One candle
FYI- You still smell. Everyone will know you only light it after you shit or fart, but that’s ok. Light it 15 minutes before she arrives and she won’t notice whatever odor is creeping its way from the fridge. Any more than one and you risk looking like…Josh. Sorry Joshes everywhere, you’ve been outed.
6. At least one living plant
Nothing says “I’m not a total loser” like caring for something sort of alive. Plus blah blah Oxygen, blah blah closer to nature. Speaking of…
7. No weird pets
No birds, no lizards, snakes or scorpions. Basically, if it might go on an ironic T shirt, don’t have it as a pet.
8. Recycling bin
Hahaha! Good one, right? Not to actually use, but leave a few bottles and other recyclables in there so it sure as hell looks like you recycle. If you actually do recycle, good for you, being better than everyone else must be exhausting, McConaughey.
9. An iPhone charger
Even if you don’t own an iPhone. Cuz that chick will leave if her phone is dead just so she can get it charged and stay connected. Your whiskey dick is way less important to her than Instagram.
10. A complete lack of any sort of empty liquor bottle collection.
Seriously dude, what the hell?
It’s not complicated. Do things to impress women and you will accidentally create a slightly better life for yourself. Now let’s address facial hair next…